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Sometimes the hardest part about being a sanguinarian, is having no one to
really talk to when something related to it happens. This feeling of isolation
often leads one to wanting to tell someone, non-sanguin, about who/what they
are... so they can have a confidant, someone to talk to. Heaven knows I have
needed someone sometimes. A bit tongue-in-cheek, perhaps, but the phrase "coming
out of the coffin" is what the vampire community has been using to mean
telling another non-sanguin about being a sanguin... like coming out of the
closet for gays, and coming out of the broom-closet for some pagans :) The hard
part, though, is who to tell an how. I hope that in making this addition, I
can give some help and advise to those wanting to know a good way to do just
that.
Everybody's situations are different, the people they know are unique as all
people are, and so some parts of this may not apply to everyone. What I provide
here is a very rough guide based mostly upon my own experience. Your experience
may be different, and I encourage others to submit stories if they would like
to enable this page to be as complete as possible. So, if you don't believe
and idea will work for you, don't use it, or feel free to adapt... this is not
a tried and true scientific process.
COMING OUT OF THE COFFIN: HOW DO YOU TELL?
Practice first, it helps with some of the nervousness, but I will say that
the nervousness will still be there. You are a sharing a rather large and
mostly secret part of your life, nervousness is normal. Starting lines such
as "You know how I wear sunglasses all the time?" or "You remember
how I acted when you accidentally cut yourself?" are good starters which
can, of course, be tailored to your own circumstances or experiences. They
also allow the other person to ask questions and feel more involved in the
conversation. Answer all questions as completely and honestly as you can.
If this person is to be your confidant, there will be very little that can
actually be held from them. Another good piece of advice I have found is to
avoid "the V-word" (vampire). Use Sanguin, sanguinarian, blood drinker,
or something along those lines, preferably the first two. This serves two
purposes:
1) You become the teacher, not the re-teacher. The usual ideas and denotations
behind the word "vampire" are mostly eliminated. If the person
does make a connection and ask if you are a vampire, I usually respond with
either "not as you are thinking of it" or "a type of vampire".
The response is of course up to you, those are simply examples.
2) The strange term will usually inspire curiosity first, the person will
want to know more and so not be so quick to reject the idea. Again, answer
questions as honestly and completely as possible.
Use a neutral ground as well, take the person to coffee, a restaurant, a
(well populated for comfort) park. Someplace where you will probably not be
overheard casually, but where there are others with in at least sight range.
It puts the other person more at ease later in the conversation. Some people
will still hold the idea that we are violent attacking sorts, the presence
of others is kind of a security blanket "S/he can't hurt me with so many
others around" idea. (Not that you would anyway, but that is from someone
who only knows books and fiction). You may also consider writing a letter
or and e-mail, or just dropping a lot of hints... all work for the most part,
though depending on the person you may have to drop ALOT of hints... and possibly
some rather blatant ones.
Provide other sources if the person wishes. E-mail addresses (feel free to
use my own) and web pages the person can look over. Sometimes it is nice to
have information from multiple sources, another type of security blanket.
Questions are a very good sign. The more they ask, the better off it probably
is. By asking the questions the other is getting a feel for what you are and
who you are. Probably the two biggest things that I am going to keep repeating
here are answer all questions completely and honestly and don't allow your
self to get offended by anything they ask. Keep calm, a question may sound
highly offensive, but it may be because they don't know enough yet to realize
that it is offensive to you. Either ignore the offense, or gently correct
them, but don't get upset and stuffy. DON'T PRESS FOR COMPLETE ACCEPTANCE!
Ultimatums are not your friends. "Believe me or else" will get you
nowhere and probably alienate the other person. They will probably be skeptical
at first, normal and natural. Things that drink blood to live are myth and
legend to most, and that takes a lot of getting over. Understand their skepticism.
There is little way, short of drinking in front of them, that you can prove
what you are.
COMING OUT OF THE COFFIN:
WHO DO YOU TELL?
Close friends are usually good people to start with. They usually know you
the best and can put pieces together once explained (i.e.: "You know
how I wear sunglasses all the time?" would spark recognition in a close
friend more quickly then in someone you just met). If you have any pagan or
non-conforming friends they are usually more quick to accept, or at least,
not reject, then other types. Younger people are also in the same way. This
is not a steadfast rule, though. I know a couple Catholic adults that were
very calm about it (at least I am not in a mental hospital!) :) It doesn't
always happen just the way you want it though, not everyone you tell will
be accepting. I have had reactions ranging from "Yeah, I know" (*blink*
whu?) to loosing a very dear friend of mine. Be careful! And understand that
these are suggestions only. You are the only one who can decide to tell or
not tell a certain person.
COMING OUT OF THE COFFIN:
SHOULD I TELL?
Only you can ultimately decide this, but to help, analyze your reasons for
doing so very carefully. There are a lot of reasons for wanting to do so,
and some are better then others.
Reasons such as you want to impress your friends, or seem unusual or weird,
or unique probably are not the best ones. Usually this can land you in more
trouble then it is worth. If you want the person you are telling to understand
you or know you better that is probably a better reason. The ultimate judge
of a "good" vs. a "bad" reason has to be ultimately yours.
But think carefully about it. You don't HAVE to tell anyone.
COMING OUT OF THE COFFIN: TO THE WORLD
People often will ask why we don't just show the world we are here since
we are not a threat to them. The big answer is: they simply aren't ready for
it. There is too much going on in the "normal" world for people
to be able to take in and understand one more thing that is not the usual.
A majority of the world is still arguing about same sex relationships... think
of the conniption over a group of beings who drink blood! In all likelihood,
it would not come out in our favor. I do hope that someday in my lifetime
the world will be ready so I won't have to hide anymore, but I also recognize
that time is not now. That is why we stay underground and behind the masks
we have made, its not safe yet. Too many hunters and slayers, too many people
who would not understand... too many superstitions. Also, especially recently,
too much bad press from those who go against the law (the Vampire Cult Trial,
for example). So, we wait and tell those we trust, but don't spread it to
the world.
This article is presented as part of an ongoing effort to present other views outside of, as well as within, the online vampire community. Those of us who consider ourselves vampiric don't always look at things from the same viewpoint due to our life experiences. As such, the views and opinions contained in this article are entirely those of the author(s), and may not necessarily be shared by SphynxCatVP. The webmaster is not under obligation to update or otherwise keep current the contents of this article. Most importantly, only you can decide for yourself whether this article or any of the author(s) other views are useful or applicable to you - you are responsible for using your own reasoning and judgement, so judge wisely.
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