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Vampire. There are days when I hate that word. Don't get me wrong - it has
its uses. But I hate the impression that the V-word invariably gives people
who are outside of our community. It's a label, and a convenient way to judge
us without ever bothering to understand our practices and our beliefs.
One friend who I had known for many years, got a link to my site, took one
look at the v-word there, and has not spoken to me since - neither did she read
any of the content beyond that one word. Prior to that, I had been a role-model
she had looked up to and expressed deep respect for. Afterward, I can only imagine
what she thinks.
I've wrestled with that word nearly all of my life. Certainly, like a vampire,
I feed upon the vital life force of others to maintain my own well-being. And
yet I do not stalk around in a cape, transform into a bat, or sleep in a coffin.
I am immortal in spirit only, and though I seem to age more slowly than others,
I have no doubt that this body will eventually grow old and die. But then there's
my aversion to sunlight and the exceptional photosensitivity of my eyes. I do
prefer nighttime, and work third shift as a result, and even though I love RenFaires
and amusements parks, I know being out all day in the sun is just going to make
me sick.
There was a time when I strongly identified with the word because it was the
first thing I'd run across that explained what I was. But, over time, my enthusiasm
waned, because, though it fit, it was also dead-wrong. Like so many people in
the vampire community, I continued to use the word, altering the definition
at least to myself. But this only confused matters more because when I said
"vampire", I'd mean one thing, but those who were listening just thought
"Lestat".
Thanks to 19th century literature and 20th century film, "vampire"
is such a loaded word. It was a loaded word twenty years ago, when I'd hit upon
it to describe myself, and since then it's been shaped by Anne Rice, role-playing
and Buffy fanatics. Vampires have become something of the darling of pop culture,
and while this has at least increased peoples' interest in what's really out
there, it has also saturated them with images that have nothing to do with what
real vampires live every day.
I often wonder if there's any way to combat this. While I respect those individuals
who prefer to keep their vampirism private, I personally would like to be able
to admit what I am without having people scoff or look at me in fear. My vampirism
is a part of me, and if people can't accept my vampirism, then really, they
can't accept who I am.
For a while, my answer was to get away from the v-word. I stripped it from
my site. I tried to find new words of describing the same thing. But the only
thing this taught me is you can't escape the truth.
First, the absence of the word resulted in confusion for a lot of the real
vampires who were searching the site for answers on what they were. Then there
were the countless Pagans, Wiccans, New-Agers and others who visited the site,
read through its material, and occasionally wrote me asking, "You realize
what you're describing is called psychic vampirism, don't you?"
And if I had any pretensions after that of escaping the v-word, there was the
fact that simply walking down the street or visiting the mall, I'd be stared
at by children and often by parents. And, no matter how casual or normally I
was dressed, I could hear the whispers behind me. The sweet little four-year-old
at the museum cinched it -- "Look at the vampire, Mommy!" -- and me
in dress pants and a gray button-down shirt! Out of the mouths of babes, indeed.
In the end, I had to approach the word like an ill-fitting suit. It was the
best suit on the rack and the cuffs were too short, but of all the other clothes,
it was the best one that fit.
Given the option of wearing that suit, or no suit at all -- the choice was
clear. I'd seen worse suits.
So ... I'm a vampire.
Sure, it's a stereotype and a nice, convenient box. Sure, some people are going
to stare and look askance. But really, when it comes down to it: if they can't
see beyond the limits of that one little word, are they really trying to accept
me for me?
~Michelle (C) 2003
This article is presented as part of an ongoing effort to present other views outside of, as well as within, the online vampire community. Those of us who consider ourselves vampiric don't always look at things from the same viewpoint due to our life experiences. As such, the views and opinions contained in this article are entirely those of the author(s), and may not necessarily be shared by SphynxCatVP. The webmaster is not under obligation to update or otherwise keep current the contents of this article. Most importantly, only you can decide for yourself whether this article or any of the author(s) other views are useful or applicable to you - you are responsible for using your own reasoning and judgement, so judge wisely.
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