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When it comes to dealing with The Beast, the cravings,
and dealing with the pains of trying to appear "normal," I've always
prided myself on my sense of self-control. While my temper would flare up from
time to time, it was usually nothing extraordinary ... after all, I'm a redhead.
Redheads are notorious for having bad tempers -- even more so if it's a woman,
right?
Yesterday morning, something happened. To put shortly: I flipped.
I am predominantly a psi-vamp, but do sometimes have sanguine tendencies. I
have fed sexually a couple of times from my partner, Jim, but I try not to do
that too often, as it always puts him to sleep. I'm still learning to recycle
energy and "give some back."
I am intrigued with elemental feeding, and am working to develop those techniques
as well as working on my shielding. (Unfortunately I have very weak shielding
powers ... having never had a formal mentor, I try to learn what I can from
friends and reading resources). But I digress ... I hadn't fed in a while --
months actually. Fully knowing what can happen if The Beast takes control, I
have worked hard to always keep my urges under control.
Until yesterday that was ...
Yesterday morning, Jim and I had an argument. Add in 2 hours of me festering
and stewing over the argument, plus him pushing me with work issues, a massive
migraine headache, and a hungry feeling that would not go away, ... I snapped.
I don't remember much of what happened, but Jim said that I lurched at him,
pushing him and throwing him up against the walls. He said the look in my eyes
was unlike anything he'd ever seen, and that I scared him. He said I was chasing
him through the building, screaming bloody murder. (He told me later that it
hurt when I touched him, as if I was draining him.)
He, thinking I had completely lost it, decided to call it a day and go home.
This was a problem because we rode to work together. He told me he would pick
me up at 5, and then we'd talk.
That apparently wasn't good enough for me, because I refused to let him leave,
screamed at him all the way to the parking lot and would not let him get in
his car.
I don't remember him leaving, but a coworker said I was standing in the middle
of the parking lot in the rain, sobbing and shaking. He took me home about half
an hour later. I felt as if I'd had just woken up from a surreal dream.
I could not believe that I had done and said what my coworker was telling me.
He told me I was like a wild animal, and was afraid that they'd (the office)
have to call the cops on me.
I've never EVER lashed out at anyone, physically or even verbally. No matter
how mad I get, I usually just go cool off and try to work things out rationally
... but I guess that wasn't the case yesterday.
Luckily, my boss was not in the building when it happened -- which is probably
why I still have my job. In fact, most of the office was out at lunch, but one
of the girls in our reception area is convinced that I'm crazy.
Anyway, I'm still sorting through what happened. Some of it has come back to
me, but there are still huge blank spots. I don't like knowing that I lost control,
and that I could have very easily hurt Jim, or anyone else.
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