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Dealing with being a sanguinarian is a full time job sometimes. You sit and
watch a movie, only to get hunger pangs during the gory parts. You drive down
the highway and whimper at the sight of a car accident....not because of the
people who were injured, but because of the blood spilled on the pavement. Hell,
even shopping at the grocery store can be annoying when looking at meat and
seeing all that nice, bright crimson juice flowing in the packages of steaks.
For some, when they realize that they are sang and that they NEED blood to stay
healthy, they go through denial. Then self loathing.....and hopefully acceptance
at the end of it all.
For the past 19 years, I have been stuck in the self loathing cycle.
I never had a online community to turn to and look for answers in when I first
awakened at the tender age of 7. The Internet was still in the process of being
created and only the really big colleges had it when it was in its infancy.
There were no local elders I could go to for help. I was too young for one thing
to even try to find someone. My first year awakened was not TOO bad. I lived
on a farm and could get fresh animal blood when my dad would butcher one of
our meat animals, be it cow or pig. Of course I hid this from my parents. I
knew deep down they would not understand it at all.
As I got older and my cravings for blood turned more toward the animals that
walk on two legs, I grew scared. I was suddenly smelling blood on girls when
they would be on their periods and would find myself salivating due to the smell.
When my first girlfriend hurt her knee and was bleeding, I sucked on it to make
the pain go away for her. I was shivering because it was my first taste of human
blood and I wanted MORE. That fact scared me to the point I did not feed for
nearly three months, making myself sick.
I forced myself to deal in only animal blood, not taking blood from a human
again until a few years later, when I was with another girlfriend and it was
during sex. I felt terrible afterwards, loathing the fact I done that and she
had no clue what I had done during our lovemaking. Once again, I starved myself
from human blood and forced myself to live with animal blood, but by this time,
my body was adjusting to needing human blood instead to stay healthy.
So, for the next few years, I was always on the edge of being seriously ill
due to the fact I was not feeding like I should have been. I took it as punishment
on myself for needing human blood. Because I had no other sangs who could tell
me what I was feeling was natural and normal for our kind, I just did my best
to deal with it on my own.....which I did until two year ago roughly.
I found Sanguinarius one night when I was doing a search, just for the hell
of it. I went into the IRC chat and I read the info on the website. (Hell, go
under "what fun Vampires Have" and you will see a little tale of something
I had done after having dental caps put on my canines.) I joined the message
board a few months later after a bout with some strange goings on. Increased
hunger on my part and other strange things going on with the three psi's in
my life. I had seen a post about something strange happening in the vampire
community. I was not a member of it, since I was pretty much a rogue vampire
and always had been. I made a username and posted to Stefan's post, asking for
more info. That was what started me on becoming a member of the community on
Sanguinariius *chuckles a little*
Now, I still deal with self loathing. Never said I didn't. I still end up going
a month to a month and a half between feedings, with my darling psi vamps yelling
at me the whole time that I need to feed more often. I can't help how I feel
about when I feed. I never had someone tell me it was not wrong, but a normal
and natural thing. I do now though. With the help of Sangelkin, I hope I can
eventually get to the acceptance part of being a special kind of human. I want
to learn to accept that my feeding it not a bad thing and that I am not hurting
those I love when I feed from them.
My biggest fear has always been that I would feed and lose control. I have
nearly done it a few times....such as the first time I fed from Melysa. It did
not help I was attracted to her big time at the time, either! I was shaking
like a leaf for about a half hour after I fed from her, trying hard to get the
memory of the sweet taste of her blood out of my mind so I would not drive myself
bonkers. This is the root of my self loathing...the fear of me losing control
of myself and hurting those I love.
I hope that my tale helps someone out there. I know it has helped me a little
to write it down. I have cried a few tears while writing this, remembering memories
I would rather have left buried.....but they needed to see the light of day
again if I am to ever get to the acceptance level of being what I am.
This article is presented as part of an ongoing effort to present other views outside of, as well as within, the online vampire community. Those of us who consider ourselves vampiric don't always look at things from the same viewpoint due to our life experiences. As such, the views and opinions contained in this article are entirely those of the author(s), and may not necessarily be shared by SphynxCatVP. The webmaster is not under obligation to update or otherwise keep current the contents of this article. Most importantly, only you can decide for yourself whether this article or any of the author(s) other views are useful or applicable to you - you are responsible for using your own reasoning and judgement, so judge wisely.
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